All countries have their social customs and peculiarities, and the US is no exception. Good manners, politeness and consideration for others are considered important by most people. Americans are generally informal in their relationships and won’t be too upset if you break the social rules, provided your behaviour isn’t outrageous.
As a foreigner you may be forgiven if you accidentally insult your host (although you may not be invited again). On the other hand, you may consider normal American behaviour occasionally shocking. Here are a few American customs you may like to familiarise yourself with:
Americans often greet total strangers, particularly in small towns and communities. This may vary from a formal ‘good morning’ to a more casual ‘Hi!’; it’s considered polite to respond likewise. On parting, it’s customary to say ‘Have a nice day’ (don’t, however, say it to the bereaved at a funeral), although this habit is reportedly dying out as Americans become weary of ritual insincerity. Americans often reply ‘You’re Welcome’ or something similar when somebody thanks them, and they may think you’re impolite if you don’t do likewise. If someone asks ‘How are you?’, it’s usual to reply ‘Fine thanks’ (even if you feel dreadful).
When introduced to someone, it’s common to follow the cue of the person performing the introduction, e.g. if someone is introduced as George, you can usually call him George (although it might not be such a good idea if his last name is Bush and he happens to be the President, when Mr. President would be more appropriate). Americans generally dislike formality or any sort of social deference due to age or position, and most quickly say ‘Please call me Rick (or Rita)’. To Americans, informality shows no lack of respect. Because of the rise of women’s liberation in America, women may be introduced with the title ‘Ms’ (pronounced ‘mizz’) and some women object to being addressed as ‘Miss’ or ‘Mrs’. In some social circles, women are introduced after their husbands, e.g. Mrs Chuck Whizzkid, in which case you shouldn’t address her as Chuck! Some American women retain their maiden (family) names after marriage. Many American first names can be confusing and it’s often difficult to know whether a name refers to a man or a woman.
After you’ve been introduced to someone, you usually say something like, ‘Pleased to meet you’ or ‘My pleasure’ and shake hands with a firm grip (although more common among men). When saying goodbye, it isn’t customary to shake hands again, although some people do. Among friends, it’s common for men to kiss ladies on one or both cheeks. Men don’t usually kiss or embrace each other, although this depends on their nationality or ethnic origin (or sexual proclivity).
Americans don’t have status or inherited titles (e.g. Sir or Lord) but do defer to people with a professional title which has been earned. These include foreign diplomats (e.g. Sir), members of the Senate (Senator) or Congress (Congressman/Congresswoman), judges, medical doctors and others with a doctorate, military officers (e.g. General, Colonel), professors, priests and other religious ministers (e.g. Father, Rabbi, Reverend).
If you’re invited to dinner, it’s customary to take along a small present, e.g. flowers, a plant, chocolates or a bottle of wine (but nothing extravagant or ostentatious). Flowers can be tricky, as to some people carnations mean bad luck, chrysanthemums are for cemeteries and roses signify love. Maybe you should stick to plastic, silk or dried flowers (or a nice bunch of weeds). Wine can also be a problem, particularly if you bring a bottle of Italian plonk and your hosts are wine connoisseurs or members of a religious group that considers alcohol consumption a sin. If you stay with someone as a guest for a few days, it’s customary to give your host or hostess a small gift when you leave.
A wedding or baby ‘shower’ isn’t a communal bath or an invitation to watch baby have its first wash, but a party organised by female friends to shower presents on a prospective bride or new mother. Presents may be of a particular kind, as in a china or linen shower or you may be directed to the gift registry the guest of honour has established at a local department store.
Although many foreigners have the impression that Americans are relaxed and casual in their dress, they often have strict dress codes. In the puritanical New England states, people usually dress conservatively and more formally than in most other regions. This is particularly true of office workers, who are usually expected to wear a suit and tie (and have short hair). In the east, casual wear (jeans or casual trousers, open-necked shirt) is acceptable for the beach or the garden but is unacceptable in many restaurants. In the south and west, casual dress is more acceptable, in the office and socially, and only the most expensive restaurants insist on ties and formal dress. Many offices have introduced a ‘dress-down’ day on one day a week (usually Friday), when employees may wear casual attire (although jeans may still be off limits). When going anywhere that could be remotely formal (or informal), it’s wise to ask in advance what you’re expected to wear. Usually when dress is formal, such as evening dress or dinner jacket, this is stated in the invitation (e.g. ‘black tie’), and you won’t be admitted if you turn up in the wrong attire. On the other hand, at some informal gatherings you may feel out of place if you aren’t wearing jeans and a T-shirt. If you’re invited to a wedding, enquire about dress (unless you want to stick out like a sore thumb). Black or dark dress is almost always worn at funerals.
Guests are normally expected to be punctual, with the exception of certain society parties, when late arrival is de rigueur (provided you don’t arrive after the celebrity guest). It’s usual to arrive half an hour to an hour after the official start of a dance. Invitations to cocktail parties or receptions may state 5pm to 7pm, in which case you may arrive at any time between these hours. Dinner invitations are often phrased as 8pm for 8.30pm. This means you should arrive at 8pm for drinks and dinner will be served (usually promptly) at 8.30pm. Anyone who arrives late for dinner or, horror of horrors, doesn’t turn up at all, should expect to be excluded from future guest lists, unless he has a good excuse (e.g. he has been murdered or kidnapped). On the other hand, you must never arrive early (unless you plan to help with the cooking). You should never be late for funerals, weddings (unless you’re the bride, who’s always late) or business appointments.
Some families say grace before meals, so follow your host’s example before tucking in. If you’re confused by a multitude of knives, forks and spoons, don’t panic but just copy what your neighbour is doing (the rule is to start at the outside and work in). If he’s another ignorant foreigner, you will at least have some company in the social wilderness to which you will both be consigned.
You will notice that most Americans don’t eat with a knife and fork like ‘normal’ people. When not eating with their hands they usually eat everything with a fork held in the right hand (unless left-handed). If anything cannot be broken up into bite-size pieces with a fork (e.g. steak), you’re permitted to use a knife, but must dispense with it afterwards (knives are generally reserved for killing people!). Even desserts are eaten with a fork, and a spoon is usually for your coffee.
Don’t overstay your welcome. This becomes obvious when your host starts looking at his watch, talking about his early start the next day, yawning, or in desperation, falling asleep.
"(knives are generally reserved for killing people!)"
Seriously?!? Is this statement necessary? I'm an American. I eat with a knife and fork. And I usually don't consider it a weapon.
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